Emergency Financial Alert!
Dear America:
The CDC has been placed in charge of the Federal Reserve. I realize that at first blush this sounds strange, but trust me; it’s for your own good. Just as herd immunity is critical for pandemic survival, financial herd immunity is necessary for national financial security. Thus, just as vaccine mandates are necessary for the greater good, so too is a central bank digital currency essential for our nation’s financial health. Personal fiscal irresponsibility during times of financial crisis is just as selfish as refusing to wear a mask or refusing a vaccine during a pandemic. The greater good supersedes bodily autonomy during pandemics and fiscal autonomy during financial crises. In short, your body and money always belonged to society, we just didn’t need to shatter the illusion of bodily and fiscal autonomy until now. It’s not medical malpractice to impose vaccines when pandemics are afoot, and it’s not theft to require bail-ins to save the banks when national wealth is threatened. Remember, national solvency is national security. Thank you for doing the right thing, even though you weren’t given any choice.
Sincerely still President, I think?
Joseph Robinette Biden (yes, that really is my middle name).
Awesome! Where do I sign up. Honestly, I’m just glad it’s over because I’m exhausted from fighting tyranny and oppression on all fronts. I’m ready to sit back in my uncomfortable chair on my FEMA camp porch, wear my mask, eat3-D printed meat, and worship the government. It feels so good to not care. Having CBDC gives me one less thing to worry about. And while I’m at it, please take all of these guns off my hands. It’s too much responsibility for little Ol’ me to handle. Whew!!